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The Courage to Be a Loving Parent

The following article is offered forrather than who they are. It is unloving
free use in your ezine,print publicationto set limits just to make us feel safe,
or on your web site, so long as therather than limits that support their
author resource box at the end ishealth and safety. When we behave in
included. Notification of publicationthis way, we are role-modeling being a
would be appreciated.taker.
Title: The Courage to Be a Loving ParentThe challenge of good parenting is to
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.find the balanced between being there
E-mail: Copyright: © 2003 by Margaretfor our children and being there for
Paulourselves, as well as the balance
Web Address:between freedom and responsibility - to
Word Count: 716be personally responsible to ourselves
Category: Parentingrather than be a taker or a caretaker.
THE COURAGE TO BE A LOVING PARENTOur decisions need to be based on what
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.is in the highest good of our children
Most of us really don't like it whenas well as ourselves. If a child wants
someone is angry at us. We don't like itsomething that is not in our highest
when people go into resistance togood to give, then it is not loving to
helping us when we need help, instead ofgive it. If we want something that is
caring about us. We don't like it whennot in the highest good of our children,
people withdraw from us, disconnectingthen it is not loving for us to expect
from us and shutting us out. We don'tit. It is loving to support our
like it when people make demands on uschildren's freedom to choose what they
and do not respect our right or need towant and to be themselves, as long as it
say no. Many of us will do almostdoesn't mean giving ourselves up.
anything to avoid the soul lonelinessChildren do not learn responsible
and pain we feel when people treat us inbehavior toward others when their
angry, resistant, demanding and uncaringparents discount their own needs and
ways.feelings to support what their children
It takes great courage to stay loving towant. Our own freedom to choose what we
ourselves and others when faced withwant and to be ourselves needs to be
others' angry and closed behavior. Itjust as important to us as our
especially take courage when the peoplechildren's freedom and desires.
we are dealing with are our ownOn the other hand, if we always put our
children. Yet unless we have the courageneeds before our children's, we are
to come up against our children's anger,behaving in a self-centered,
resistance, and withdrawal, we will givenarcissistic way that limits our
ourselves up and not take care ofchildren's freedom. We are training our
ourselves to avoid their uncaringchildren to be caretakers, to give
reactions. The more we deny our ownthemselves up for other's needs and not
truth and our own needs and feelings,consider their own.
the more our children will disrespectThe challenge of loving parenting is to
and discount us. Our children become arole-model behavior that is personally
mirror of our own behavior, discountingresponsible, rather than being a taker
us when we discount ourselves,or caretaker. This is our best chance
disrespecting us when we disrespectfor bringing up personally responsible
ourselves. The more we give ourselves upchildren. However, we need to remember
to avoid our children's unlovingthat we can do everything "right" as a
behavior toward us, the more we becomeparent, but our children are on their
objectified as the all-giving and lovingown path, their own soul's journey. They
parent who doesn't need anything forwill make their own choices to be loving
ourselves. When we do this, we areor unloving, responsible or
role-modeling being a caretaker.irresponsible. We can influence their
On the other hand, it is unloving tochoices, but we can't control them. They
ourselves and our children to expect ourhave free will, just as we do, to choose
children to take responsibility for ourwho they want to be each moment of their
well-being. It is unloving to demandlives. All we can do is the very best we
that our children give themselves up tocan to role-model loving, personally
prove their love for us and to pacifyresponsible behavior - behavior that
our fears. It is unloving to demand thatsupports our own and our children's
they be the way we want them to behighest good.



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