| The following article is offered for free use in | | | | want them to be rather than who they are. It is |
| your ezine,print publication or on your web site, so | | | | unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, |
| long as the author resource box at the end is | | | | rather than limits that support their health and |
| included. Notification of publication would be | | | | safety. When we behave in this way, we are |
| appreciated. | | | | role-modeling being a taker. |
| Title: The Courage to Be a Loving Parent | | | | The challenge of good parenting is to find the |
| Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | | | | balanced between being there for our children and |
| E-mail: Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul | | | | being there for ourselves, as well as the balance |
| Web Address: | | | | between freedom and responsibility - to be |
| Word Count: 716 | | | | personally responsible to ourselves rather than be |
| Category: Parenting | | | | a taker or a caretaker. |
| THE COURAGE TO BE A LOVING PARENT | | | | Our decisions need to be based on what is in the |
| By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | | | | highest good of our children as well as ourselves. |
| Most of us really don't like it when someone is | | | | If a child wants something that is not in our |
| angry at us. We don't like it when people go into | | | | highest good to give, then it is not loving to give |
| resistance to helping us when we need help, | | | | it. If we want something that is not in the highest |
| instead of caring about us. We don't like it when | | | | good of our children, then it is not loving for us to |
| people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us | | | | expect it. It is loving to support our children's |
| and shutting us out. We don't like it when people | | | | freedom to choose what they want and to be |
| make demands on us and do not respect our | | | | themselves, as long as it doesn't mean giving |
| right or need to say no. Many of us will do almost | | | | ourselves up. Children do not learn responsible |
| anything to avoid the soul loneliness and pain we | | | | behavior toward others when their parents |
| feel when people treat us in angry, resistant, | | | | discount their own needs and feelings to support |
| demanding and uncaring ways. | | | | what their children want. Our own freedom to |
| It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves | | | | choose what we want and to be ourselves needs |
| and others when faced with others' angry and | | | | to be just as important to us as our children's |
| closed behavior. It especially take courage when | | | | freedom and desires. |
| the people we are dealing with are our own | | | | On the other hand, if we always put our needs |
| children. Yet unless we have the courage to come | | | | before our children's, we are behaving in a |
| up against our children's anger, resistance, and | | | | self-centered, narcissistic way that limits our |
| withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take | | | | children's freedom. We are training our children to |
| care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. | | | | be caretakers, to give themselves up for other's |
| The more we deny our own truth and our own | | | | needs and not consider their own. |
| needs and feelings, the more our children will | | | | The challenge of loving parenting is to role-model |
| disrespect and discount us. Our children become a | | | | behavior that is personally responsible, rather than |
| mirror of our own behavior, discounting us when | | | | being a taker or caretaker. This is our best |
| we discount ourselves, disrespecting us when we | | | | chance for bringing up personally responsible |
| disrespect ourselves. The more we give ourselves | | | | children. However, we need to remember that we |
| up to avoid our children's unloving behavior toward | | | | can do everything "right" as a parent, but our |
| us, the more we become objectified as the | | | | children are on their own path, their own soul's |
| all-giving and loving parent who doesn't need | | | | journey. They will make their own choices to be |
| anything for ourselves. When we do this, we are | | | | loving or unloving, responsible or irresponsible. We |
| role-modeling being a caretaker. | | | | can influence their choices, but we can't control |
| On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and | | | | them. They have free will, just as we do, to |
| our children to expect our children to take | | | | choose who they want to be each moment of |
| responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to | | | | their lives. All we can do is the very best we can |
| demand that our children give themselves up to | | | | to role-model loving, personally responsible |
| prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It | | | | behavior - behavior that supports our own and |
| is unloving to demand that they be the way we | | | | our children's highest good. |