| The following article is offered for free use | | | | children give themselves up to prove their |
| in your ezine,print publication or on your | | | | love for us and to pacify our fears. It is |
| web site, so long as the author resource box | | | | unloving to demand that they be the way we |
| at the end is included. Notification of | | | | want them to be rather than who they are. It |
| publication would be appreciated. | | | | is unloving to set limits just to make us |
| | | | feel safe, rather than limits that support |
| Title: The Courage to Be a Loving Parent | | | | their health and safety. When we behave in |
| | | | this way, we are role-modeling being a taker. |
| Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | | | | |
| | | | The challenge of good parenting is to find |
| E-mail: Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul | | | | the balanced between being there for our |
| | | | children and being there for ourselves, as |
| Web Address: | | | | well as the balance between freedom and |
| | | | responsibility - to be personally responsible |
| Word Count: 716 | | | | to ourselves rather than be a taker or a |
| | | | caretaker. |
| Category: Parenting | | | | |
| | | | Our decisions need to be based on what is in |
| THE COURAGE TO BE A LOVING PARENT | | | | the highest good of our children as well as |
| | | | ourselves. If a child wants something that is |
| By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | | | | not in our highest good to give, then it is |
| | | | not loving to give it. If we want something |
| Most of us really don't like it when someone | | | | that is not in the highest good of our |
| is angry at us. We don't like it when people | | | | children, then it is not loving for us to |
| go into resistance to helping us when we need | | | | expect it. It is loving to support our |
| help, instead of caring about us. We don't | | | | children's freedom to choose what they want |
| like it when people withdraw from us, | | | | and to be themselves, as long as it doesn't |
| disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We | | | | mean giving ourselves up. Children do not |
| don't like it when people make demands on us | | | | learn responsible behavior toward others when |
| and do not respect our right or need to say | | | | their parents discount their own needs and |
| no. Many of us will do almost anything to | | | | feelings to support what their children want. |
| avoid the soul loneliness and pain we feel | | | | Our own freedom to choose what we want and to |
| when people treat us in angry, resistant, | | | | be ourselves needs to be just as important to |
| demanding and uncaring ways. | | | | us as our children's freedom and desires. |
| | | | |
| It takes great courage to stay loving to | | | | On the other hand, if we always put our needs |
| ourselves and others when faced with others' | | | | before our children's, we are behaving in a |
| angry and closed behavior. It especially take | | | | self-centered, narcissistic way that limits |
| courage when the people we are dealing with | | | | our children's freedom. We are training our |
| are our own children. Yet unless we have the | | | | children to be caretakers, to give themselves |
| courage to come up against our children's | | | | up for other's needs and not consider their |
| anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will | | | | own. |
| give ourselves up and not take care of | | | | |
| ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. | | | | The challenge of loving parenting is to |
| The more we deny our own truth and our own | | | | role-model behavior that is personally |
| needs and feelings, the more our children | | | | responsible, rather than being a taker or |
| will disrespect and discount us. Our children | | | | caretaker. This is our best chance for |
| become a mirror of our own behavior, | | | | bringing up personally responsible children. |
| discounting us when we discount ourselves, | | | | However, we need to remember that we can do |
| disrespecting us when we disrespect | | | | everything "right" as a parent, but our |
| ourselves. The more we give ourselves up to | | | | children are on their own path, their own |
| avoid our children's unloving behavior toward | | | | soul's journey. They will make their own |
| us, the more we become objectified as the | | | | choices to be loving or unloving, responsible |
| all-giving and loving parent who doesn't need | | | | or irresponsible. We can influence their |
| anything for ourselves. When we do this, we | | | | choices, but we can't control them. They have |
| are role-modeling being a caretaker. | | | | free will, just as we do, to choose who they |
| | | | want to be each moment of their lives. All we |
| On the other hand, it is unloving to | | | | can do is the very best we can to role-model |
| ourselves and our children to expect our | | | | loving, personally responsible behavior - |
| children to take responsibility for our | | | | behavior that supports our own and our |
| well-being. It is unloving to demand that our | | | | children's highest good. |