| The following article is offered for | | | | rather than who they are. It is unloving |
| free use in your ezine,print publication | | | | to set limits just to make us feel safe, |
| or on your web site, so long as the | | | | rather than limits that support their |
| author resource box at the end is | | | | health and safety. When we behave in |
| included. Notification of publication | | | | this way, we are role-modeling being a |
| would be appreciated. | | | | taker. |
| Title: The Courage to Be a Loving Parent | | | | The challenge of good parenting is to |
| Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | | | | find the balanced between being there |
| E-mail: Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret | | | | for our children and being there for |
| Paul | | | | ourselves, as well as the balance |
| Web Address: | | | | between freedom and responsibility - to |
| Word Count: 716 | | | | be personally responsible to ourselves |
| Category: Parenting | | | | rather than be a taker or a caretaker. |
| THE COURAGE TO BE A LOVING PARENT | | | | Our decisions need to be based on what |
| By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | | | | is in the highest good of our children |
| Most of us really don't like it when | | | | as well as ourselves. If a child wants |
| someone is angry at us. We don't like it | | | | something that is not in our highest |
| when people go into resistance to | | | | good to give, then it is not loving to |
| helping us when we need help, instead of | | | | give it. If we want something that is |
| caring about us. We don't like it when | | | | not in the highest good of our children, |
| people withdraw from us, disconnecting | | | | then it is not loving for us to expect |
| from us and shutting us out. We don't | | | | it. It is loving to support our |
| like it when people make demands on us | | | | children's freedom to choose what they |
| and do not respect our right or need to | | | | want and to be themselves, as long as it |
| say no. Many of us will do almost | | | | doesn't mean giving ourselves up. |
| anything to avoid the soul loneliness | | | | Children do not learn responsible |
| and pain we feel when people treat us in | | | | behavior toward others when their |
| angry, resistant, demanding and uncaring | | | | parents discount their own needs and |
| ways. | | | | feelings to support what their children |
| It takes great courage to stay loving to | | | | want. Our own freedom to choose what we |
| ourselves and others when faced with | | | | want and to be ourselves needs to be |
| others' angry and closed behavior. It | | | | just as important to us as our |
| especially take courage when the people | | | | children's freedom and desires. |
| we are dealing with are our own | | | | On the other hand, if we always put our |
| children. Yet unless we have the courage | | | | needs before our children's, we are |
| to come up against our children's anger, | | | | behaving in a self-centered, |
| resistance, and withdrawal, we will give | | | | narcissistic way that limits our |
| ourselves up and not take care of | | | | children's freedom. We are training our |
| ourselves to avoid their uncaring | | | | children to be caretakers, to give |
| reactions. The more we deny our own | | | | themselves up for other's needs and not |
| truth and our own needs and feelings, | | | | consider their own. |
| the more our children will disrespect | | | | The challenge of loving parenting is to |
| and discount us. Our children become a | | | | role-model behavior that is personally |
| mirror of our own behavior, discounting | | | | responsible, rather than being a taker |
| us when we discount ourselves, | | | | or caretaker. This is our best chance |
| disrespecting us when we disrespect | | | | for bringing up personally responsible |
| ourselves. The more we give ourselves up | | | | children. However, we need to remember |
| to avoid our children's unloving | | | | that we can do everything "right" as a |
| behavior toward us, the more we become | | | | parent, but our children are on their |
| objectified as the all-giving and loving | | | | own path, their own soul's journey. They |
| parent who doesn't need anything for | | | | will make their own choices to be loving |
| ourselves. When we do this, we are | | | | or unloving, responsible or |
| role-modeling being a caretaker. | | | | irresponsible. We can influence their |
| On the other hand, it is unloving to | | | | choices, but we can't control them. They |
| ourselves and our children to expect our | | | | have free will, just as we do, to choose |
| children to take responsibility for our | | | | who they want to be each moment of their |
| well-being. It is unloving to demand | | | | lives. All we can do is the very best we |
| that our children give themselves up to | | | | can to role-model loving, personally |
| prove their love for us and to pacify | | | | responsible behavior - behavior that |
| our fears. It is unloving to demand that | | | | supports our own and our children's |
| they be the way we want them to be | | | | highest good. |